ou'd think that after last week's surplus of Princess Diana columns, Weekly Wire and its contributing papers would be itching to get back to some good, old-fashioned feature stories. Think again. We've caught Dianitis, a disease afflicting those who dine on too many editorials and not enough hard news. Symptoms of Dianitis include aching, sneezing, a stuffy head, and occasional cold sores. They also include unrestrained outbreaks of opinion pieces. Antibiotics are on their way.

ianitis is extremely contagious, as evidenced by these letters in response to two Diana columns from past weeks (The Passing of a Princess and The Royal Mini-Series). Fortunately, this particular epidemic of Dianitis has mutated into a refined strain focusing on a few tiring ethical questions involving celebrities and the media. Humans have a built-in Short Attention Span antibody that should kill the strain in no time.

  whole slew of people recently came down with Dianitis after University of Texas law professor Lino Graglia blamed the poor academic performance of blacks and Mexian-Americans on their culture's over-acceptance of failure. At the least, the statement demanded clarification; at the most, it demanded apology. Dianitic opinions abounded, many calling Graglia a racist. According to a colleague in this story, however, the professor is merely "a loudmouth" (which, of course, is a tell-tale sign he's got Dianitis himself).

ome Dianitic cases emerge from the strangest places. We all laughed when we heard that several backwoods Kentuckians had come down with Mad Squirrel Disease after eating squirrel brains. But who would have thought a columnist would get Dianitis from reading about it? Yet here he is, recalling his boyhood days shooting and chowing down on the furry little critters. Hey mister, are you sure you didn't get Mad Squirrel Disease?

nd then there's Captain Opinion, the Dianitis poster child. This week you can read his chants of "It's not fair!' as he lambasts the State Fair for being too expensive, too commercial, too generic. I'm sure we can all sympathize with Mr. Opinion, as well as hope he someday finds a cure for his condition.

ther Dianitic cases this week involve keeping young children away from T.V. (lest their vulnerable minds become completely debilitated by Dianitis); a clever plan for maintaining campaign spending limits without restricting free speech; and a summary of the likely Democratic candidates for the presidential election in 2000. One writer even got a case of Dianitis so severe he became addicted to death-based Internet sites. Fortunately, Dianitis isn't fatal.

nly Mr. Smarty Pants managed to avoid Dianitis, but that's because Mr. Smarty Pants has a rare disease called Factoids. Read his column and diagnose for yourself.

Want to know what all these checkboxes are for? Click here to find out, or just ignore them.

Purple Passion
Making peace with Barney. [2]
Margaret Renkl

Mayoral Madness
Our staff empties their brains. [3]
David O. Dabney

Letters to the Editor
Memphis Flyer readers speak out. [4]

Fair Not Fair
The local loudmouth gives you a piece of his mind. [5]
Cap'n O

Bad Brains
A celebration of squirrels. [6]
Walter Jowers

Odds & Ends
Timed-release news capsules from the flipside. [7]
Devin D. O'Leary

Mr. Smarty Pants
Our resident know-it-all unearths the latest trivia. [8]
R.U. Steinberg

Time to Take Sides?
New Mexico politics from our resident mole. [9]
Jack Moczinski

Internet Interment
A lo-fi perspective on today's hi-fi world. [10]
Devin D. O'Leary

Naked City
The "7-0 Council" begins to crack over tax hikes; Slusher vows to save the Austin Music Network; ALLC wins suit over campaign financing petition; Hightower finally gets on Austin radio. [11]
edited by Amy Smith

11th-Annual Best of Tucson
Welcome to our monster issue! [12]
The Tucson Weekly Staff

Now What?
Can't get enough news? You're in luck -- more news is created every day. Our Now What? page offers a plethora of recommended links to help keep you living in the present. [13]

Build your own custom paper. To find out more about this feature, click here.

Talk Back
Our online BBS is an open forum where you can say anything you like about current events, controversies, or anything else that might be stuck in your craw.

Nike Psyche
Nike has made its employees feel like their work has more in common with Mother Teresa than Henry Ford. Josh Feit explains how they did it, while Tanuja Surpuriya looks at Nike's growth in Memphis.
Josh Feit and Tanuja Surpuriya